I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
i used baking grease as lip gloss
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
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