My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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