I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Randomize
