i wish starbucks made bloody marys
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
