He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
