HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize
