how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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