What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Randomize
