i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
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