I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
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