Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize