Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
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