i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
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