I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Randomize
