It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
