Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Randomize
