Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
