Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Randomize