Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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