you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
