she woke up with a sticky ear
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
this is an emotional support booty call
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize