Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
