she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
