..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
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