life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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