I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
