There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
