Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
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