I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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