I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
