thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Randomize
