Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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