She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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