I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Randomize
