After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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