Regardless thnx for trying to help out, I realize we are dealing w/ very stupid girls here
I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
