His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
This is my gift to your gina
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Randomize
