I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
