There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
