I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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