I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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