Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Randomize
