my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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