i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
