i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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