The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
I enjoy the company of your penis
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
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