I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
