I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
