I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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