Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
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