just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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