Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
