I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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