People in love make me want to vomit
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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