Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize