cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
