Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Randomize
