my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
