Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
