woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Randomize
