you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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